All of ME Read online

  I rush down the hallway to the kitchen trash can, emptying the contents of my stomach. I draw in a couple of deep breaths to steady myself and reach over, turning on the kitchen sink. I splash some cool water on my face and rinse out my mouth. I hear stirring coming from down the hallway so I rush out the back door and jump in my car. I sit there for a moment with my eyes closed, getting my story together. A sudden thud on the window startles me. As I look up and to the left, I seeing Jeff standing there. He motions for me to roll down the window.

  "Leaving without saying bye?” he asks.

  "Y-y-you were still sleeping," I stutter as I see the look in his eyes soften.

  "Jas, I'm so sorry. I promise, no more drinking. I can change, no, I will change," he says as his eyes fill with tears. He reaches in the window and softly strokes my bruised cheek. "Baby, I will make this up to you," he says leaning in to kiss me. I flinch and can see the pain and guilt in his eyes.

  "I love you," he whispers, “and I will do right by you."

  I give him a weak smile and take his hand, "I love you, too."

  He walks away and my heart begins to slow its rhythm. I put the car in reverse and back out of the driveway. I make it to work and pull down the visor, staring at my reflection in the mirror. I pull out the concealer and begin to try to cover the blue splotch on my cheek. I finish and inspect my work in the mirror once more. I pull my hair back into a clip and head into work.

  I hop on the elevator and hit the button for the fourth floor. As the doors open, I'm greeted by the calming scent of cleaner and the soft cries of the neonates. I put my purse in my locker and head to the front desk. I sit there in front of my computer, losing myself in my thoughts.

  "Jasmine, Jasmine?" I look up to see my supervisor staring down at me. "Are you okay?” she asks.

  "I'm fine," I reply plastering what I hope looks like a genuine smile on my face. She closes her eyes for a moment and draws in a deep breath. She opens them and studies my face. I see her eyes when they reach my cheek. She lifts her eyebrows and looks as though she's going to say something, but doesn't. She nods slightly and turns to walk away. I sigh and focus back on the chart in front of me. After what feels like an eternity I look up at the clock realizing it's after six. "Shit," I mutter to myself as I gather all the charts up; quickly making my way to the file room. I open the door and suddenly feel nauseous again. Barely making it to the trash can before the bile rises, a thought hits me. I steady myself on the copy machine and draw in a jagged breath. "No," I whisper to myself, frantically digging for my phone. Opening up my calendar, makes my heart drop. "No, it can't be." After shooting Jeff a quick text to let him know that I'm running late, and I head down to see Morgan in the lab.

  "Please, Morgan. I need to know," I plead. She nods and sits me down in the chair, her eyes filled with concern.

  "Where did that bruise on your cheek come from?"

  "Oh that, I just slipped in the kitchen and hit the corner of the bar," I reply knowing she's not buying my lame excuse.

  "How long have you been feeling sick?"

  "I've been feeling drained for a couple of weeks but the nausea didn't start until this morning."

  She bites her bottom lip and pulls up my sleeve to place the tourniquet on my arm. Her face drops when she sees the blue ring circling my wrist, "Jasmine?" I shake my head and she sighs. "Make a fist for me." Watching her pull out the syringe brings on another wave of nausea, so I close my eyes and draw in several deep breaths. "Okay, all done," she says removing the tourniquet. I nod and place pressure on it until she places a bandage over it. "I'll text you as soon as the results are back," she says. I leave thanking her again and hoping that I'm wrong.

  When I finally get home, Jeff greets me at the door. He is clean shaven and dressed nicely. The smell of his cologne wafts through the air and I smile. This, this is my Jeff, the one who swept me off my feet and saved me. He takes my hand and leads me to the dining room. Dinner smells divine and there's a beautifully wrapped box sitting in front of my plate. I sit down, anxious to know what is in the box. By the end of dinner I'm practically begging to open my gift.

  "Fine," he says, "go ahead." With a huge smile on my face I carefully open the box. Inside is a thin gold chain with a small gold anchor pendant inlaid with rubies.

  "It's beautiful," I whisper.

  "Don't cry," he says, "you'll ruin your makeup and I still have another surprise for you." He comes around the table and kisses me softly. Pulling the necklace from the box, I hand it to him and pull my hair to the side so he can clasp it. I look down at the anchor and smile, watching the small stones shimmer under the candlelight.

  Jeff leans down close to my ear and whispers, "I love you."

  "I love you, too," I say, trying to keep my tears from falling.

  He reaches around and places an envelope on the table. "What is this?" I ask excitement evident in my voice.

  "Just open it," he says with a chuckle.

  My hands are shaking as I tear open the envelope, revealing two tickets to Searching Aces. "Oh. My. God! When did you...how did you get these?"

  "I have my ways," he says with a wink. Jumping up out of the chair quickly I hug him tightly. "Now, those tickets are for Friday night, but tonight I have something special. Go freshen up, we need to get going," he says looking at his watch.

  I rush to the bathroom, ripping the brush through my hair and reapplying my lip gloss. In that moment, a familiar memory comes forward. As I look at my reflection in the mirror I see myself, only a couple years younger. About that time my phone vibrates in my pocket and my heart is hammering in my chest as I open the message,

  Congratulations. You're pregnant.

  Drawing in a deep breath I close my eyes, forcing myself to dry the tears starting to pool. When I open them up, I'm looking at myself, the small bruise still lingering on my cheek and his words are echoing in my mind. A knock on the door makes me jump.

  "You okay in there?" he asks.

  "I'm fine," I reply, trying to swallow the lump that has formed in my throat.

  "Okay, I'm going to pull the truck around," he says.

  "Ok," I manage to choke out.

  ~~~~~

  "Where are we going?" I ask as I climb in the truck.

  "You'll see," he says looking over at me with a huge grin.

  "Jeff, there's something we need to talk about."

  "Well it will just have to wait," he says as we pull into the parking lot of Down South, a small local bar. My smile fades quickly and I clench my jaw as I look over at Jeff.

  "I know, I know," he says, drawing in a deep breath. I sit there staring at him, waiting for an explanation. "Look, Jas, this is part of the surprise, I promised I wouldn't drink, and I won't," he says reaching for my hand, bringing it to his face, and lightly kissing my palm.

  The excitement in his eyes grows as we walk to the door. I'm worried, worried that he is going to slip up and drink. The door swings open and I almost lose my mind. I catch a glimpse of Jared Wills, the lead singer of Searching Aces, sitting at a table near the front.

  "Holy shit Jeff! H-h-how did you do this?" He just smiles and motions me to the table.

  "Jeff," Jared says when we reach the table.

  "Jared, it’s so good to see you.”

  They shake hands and I'm in complete awe. A night of singing and dancing ensues and I'm feeling pretty great. Jeff kept his word and didn't have even a sip of alcohol.

  The night winds down and we say our goodbyes before heading home. We reach the front door to the house and Jeff stops me. He pulls me tightly to him and kisses me. The passion in the kiss is so intense, I almost lose control of myself. I open my eyes for a moment and his dark eyes are boring into mine. I quickly pull away, breathless, and breathe in deeply to slow the strumming of my heart. "Jeff there is really something we need to talk about."

  "Can't it wait until morning?” he asks pulling me close.

  "No, it can’t wait," I stammer.

  "W
hat is it, baby?"

  "Ummmm…well…Jeff I…ummmm…I'm

  pregnant," I say watching the color leave his face.

  "A baby?? We're going to have a baby?” he asks, excitement building in his voice.

  "Yes, we are," I reply, unsure of how I feel.

  ~~~~~

  The months fly by, and before I know it, I can no longer see my feet. This huge belly has made me unattractive to him and he makes a point to tell me every chance he gets. At sixteen weeks, we found out that the baby is a girl. That's what started the alienation started between us. He really wanted a boy. I didn't care as long as it was healthy, and each passing day brings me closer to meeting this miracle residing within me.

  I wake up early on this rather cool May morning with a pain I have never felt before. I reach over, but his side of the bed is cold, so I drive myself to the hospital. His phone is going straight to voicemail and he isn't answering my texts. Frustrated and alone, I call his office and I’m told he hasn't been in the past two days. The pain of labor preoccupies me and Morgan has come to stay with me. After eight intense hours of tears and pain I am staring into the face of my perfect baby girl.

  "What are you going to name her?” the midwife asks while checking her out.

  "Madison Paige," I reply through the tears of joy that are now falling.

  "Six pounds on the nose," she says while swaddling my little Madison in a blanket. She hands her to me and my heart falls in love all over again. "We have to take her to give her a bath, but I promise she'll be back in no time.” I nod and close my eyes in exhaustion.

  The door is flung open revealing a disheveled looking Jeff. "Hey baby, have you had the baby yet?"

  "Yes!" I hiss at him, biting my tongue so I don't cause a scene.

  "Still a girl?” he asks, mirroring my hiss.

  "Yes."

  "Well damn, I was hoping a pecker would pop out." I'm looking at him with disgust on my face as the nurse and Morgan wheel her back in. Baby girl Grayson is written on the pink cardstock with her little footprints below. Jeff’s eyes grow wide when he sees her bright brown eyes and the long, dark fringe of lashes she has. "Olivia, we can name her Olivia. After my mother," he says.

  "She already has a name," I scoff.

  "You mean you named her without asking me?" His face is already growing red to match his bloodshot eyes.

  "I've been here for almost ten hours and spent two of those trying to find you, asshole! I'll name her what I damn well want to seeing as up until now you have greatly expressed your disappointment in the baby being a girl." His face grows dark and he takes a step towards me as I hold my Maddy closer to me to, fear evident in my expression.

  Morgan comes in at that moment. "Jasmine, is there a problem?" I shake my head, never taking my eyes off Jeff.

  "Well can I at least hold her?” he asks. I nod hesitantly before handing her over. Morgan hovers around him with a look of irritation on her face. His phone begins to ring so he hands her back to me. "I gotta take this," he says turning to leave the room. Morgan comes and sits on the bed beside me.

  "You know, you can be honest with me, right?"

  I look at her and sigh deeply. "Everything will be fine," I reply, lying even to myself. Maddy begins to wiggle and whimper in my arms and I bring her forehead to my lips.

  "Sounds like somebody is hungry," Morgan says with a giggle. I smile and place the bottle that Morgan has made into her mouth, the cute little cooing sounds she makes melting all my troubles away. After she falls asleep, I hand her to Morgan to go back to the nursery and close my eyes as the exhaustion takes over.

  Later, the sun is filtering through the blinds, and I wake to find Jeff passed out in a chair. I shake my head and call for the nurse to bring Maddy to me. Jeff begins to stir when the door creaks open. "Jas, I'm sorry for being such an ass," he whispers coming over to sit by me on the bed. I nod, unable to find the right words to say. "I love you, you know that, and I love Madison too. She is absolutely beautiful, just like her mother." I smile at his words; the word beautiful hasn't been used to describe me in months.

  ~~~~~

  The years have flown by and everything has been absolutely perfect since Jeff manned up and quit drinking. Lately things have been going so well he even encouraged me to invite my cousin, Vanessa, to visit. After almost five years, something still doesn't feel right, that's why I won't marry him. I can't place the problem, but it makes me uneasy.

  A black Mercedes Benz pulls up, and even though I haven't laid eyes on her in a few years, the moment she steps out of the car it feels like we haven't been apart.

  "Jas, oh my God, you’re looking so good,” she says, pulling me into her embrace.

  "You look great too, Ness," I reply as I pull away. Standing there with her sends a small twinge of jealousy through me. Her blue eyes sparkle in the light, even under the cover of clouds, and her clear, tan skin is just unbelievable.

  "I should have known she would be in a dress," I mutter to myself. She shakes her head at me with a smirk and her thick blonde hair blows in the cool breeze. Vanessa was always pretty, but boy has she bloomed into a voluptuous beauty.

  "And this must be Maddy," she says kissing her on the cheek.

  "Yep, this is my heart right here." She smiles and takes Maddy’s tiny hand in hers and Maddy buries her face in my hip.

  "She looks just like you, even the sour expression you’ve perfected,” she replies with a smirk. "It sure is cold here, I thought Nevada was supposed to be sunny and hot," she says wrapping her sweater around her.

  "It’s only March, it will start warming up soon," I reply leading her to the front door.

  Jeff pulls up as we are heading inside. "I take it you're Vanessa," he says, stepping out of his truck, clearly trying to avert his eyes away from her chest.

  "Yes, that’s me," she says with a giggle and tucks her hair behind her ear, coyly.

  Jeff smiles and looks at me. "Umm...we better get all this stuff inside," he says taking her suitcase from her.

  They walk in and I stand there in the doorway with my arms crossed, as Madison clings to the hem of my shirt. "Mommy, I don’t like that lady," she says wearing that familiar sour expression.

  "Baby, don't be rude. I understand that you may not like her but keep those thoughts to yourself, okay?" She nods and smiles, hugging my waist. "Go play," I say ruffling her hair before she runs down the hall to her room. Drawing in a shallow breath, I shake my head and close the door behind me. No matter what I try to do, I can't shake the green-eyed monster within. The way they talk, the way they are shamelessly flirting, pisses me off.

  "Jasmine, what's wrong?" Jeff asks, coming up behind me and rubbing my shoulders.

  "Nothing," I reply, virtually through my teeth. He pulls me into him, hugging me tightly. I smile as his warmth encompasses me.

  ~~~~~

  Rolling over in bed I realize I'm alone. The coldness of his side of the bed jars me to full consciousness. Getting up to use the restroom, I hear laughter coming from the front of the house. As I scamper my way down the hallway a thought crosses my mind, "No," I whisper to myself as I round the corner to the living room.

  Jeff and Vanessa are sitting on the couch talking. The more I observe, the more I realize just how close they are. Jeff is sitting there in his pajama pants and shirtless, while Vanessa is in a shorts and tank top ensemble that leaves nothing to the imagination. Clearing my throat as I walk towards them, they both jump up.

  "Sorry, I woke up and realized you weren't there. I thought something might be wrong but clearly it's not," I say turning to go back to bed.

  I'm angry as I crawl back in bed, and every possible scenario plays out in my head, while I lay there staring into the darkness. The bedroom door creaks open and I turn over, facing the wall. Jeff climbs into bed and snuggles up to me. Laying there limp, I make no effort to reciprocate. He kisses my temple and pulls me closer.

  "Jas," he whispers. I don't respond because if I do he will hear t
he hurt in my voice. "I love you," he says and kisses my cheek.

  Laying there in the darkness, I listen to the slow rhythm of his breathing before sleep finally finds me.

  The smell of bacon wakes me up and I reach over, realizing Jeff isn't there. "Damn it," I mutter under my breath as I pull on a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt. I pull my hair up into a ponytail as I stomp down the hallway.

  Vanessa is in the kitchen cooking and Jeff is sitting at the bar sipping his coffee. I walk over to the coffee pot without as much as a word.

  "Someone is a still a real grump without their coffee, aren't they?" Vanessa says pointing the spatula at me.

  I nod and roll my eyes as I climb on the barstool beside Jeff.

  "So, Jas, since its ladies night at the Bottlestopper, I was hoping you would go with me," she says.

  "I don't know about that now, I'm not really into the club scene," I say.

  "I don't mind, go ahead, have fun," Jeff says, winking at Vanessa.

  She hasn't changed a bit; she still gets excited about the smallest things. I just stare at Jeff, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

  "What?” he whispers.

  "I have to admit I'm surprised that you’re okay with this," I reply with suspicion in my tone.

  Jeff picks up on it quickly and rolls his eyes. "There's nothing to be suspicious about," he says, his tone soft, "I figured you two could like to catch up and have a little fun."

  Bars and clubs are not my idea of fun. I'm more of a ‘relax at home with a good movie and pizza’ kind of girl.

  "I'll think about it," I finally say looking back and forth between the two of them.

  Vanessa frowns at me and gives me the puppy dog eyes. "Jeff, are you going to keep Madison?"

  "Of course," he says. I’ve never left her with him and I'm leery, I'll admit.

  "That doesn't work on me," I reply taking a sip of my coffee.

  "Well...I'll just have to bug the ever living shit out of you until you buckle," she replies with a huge grin, raising her eyebrows at me.